A Change of Heart

My story starts in my freshman year of college, when religion didn’t mean a whole lot to me.  I started going to the Newman Center only to make friends.  Then I started going to daily Mass on a regular basis because this cute guy winked at me during the sign of peace one time.  Pretty soon, I was involved in a FOCUS Bible study.  Not long after that, my Bible study leader convinced me to go to the FOCUS Conference of 2011 in St. Paul.

January came, and we arrived at Conference in a whirlwind of excitement.  The talks were amazing, and I loved sharing the whole experience with my friends, plus meeting new people.  It was great—until I realized a terrible pain in my chest that made it hurt to breathe.  I thought something was suddenly wrong with my heart.  I was terrified.  I thought I was going to die.  I called my mom in tears, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  I’d lie down for a while and feel better, but sitting up again was just painful.

I didn’t want to miss out on the whole Conference experience, though.  I went to the reconciliation service.  While in line, I started crying again.  I was thinking through this whole situation in my head.  It was so cliché at first.

“God… I don’t want to die.  I’m too YOUNG to die.  I have so much I could do with my life!”

“Like what?”  The reply was simple but gentle.  He said nothing else.

I didn’t have an answer.  But His question opened my heart to really discern His will in my life and live it in a way that served Him.  I later found out that my heart was fine—better than fine, now that it was truly open to God.  Physically, it went back to normal shortly after Conference, which left me feeling like I ridiculously over-reacted.

What I felt that weekend, though, was exactly what I needed to feel.  I had always taken my life for granted, and I had my own plans of how I was going to live it.  Sometimes, it’s only when we are threatened with losing something that we realize its true significance to us.  Only when I thought I was going to lose my life did I realize what a gift it really is, and that many people aren’t allowed this same gift today.  But the gifts we are given are things we can, in turn, give back to God to glorify Him.

In realizing my life was a gift, I decided that I wanted to live for God.  I wanted to discern God’s will in my life in a way I hadn’t really been open to before.  I left Conference with a fire burning in my heart for Him.

When I think about gifts, the idea of “re-gifting” Christmas presents runs through my head. But our gifts from Him are not like that ugly sweater that you passed along to your second cousin’s brother-in-law, or that necktie covered with polka dots (and a lovely coffee stain) that you will obviously never wear.

God’s gifts to us are sometimes like the gift of socks for Christmas.  You might not think you want them, but someone gave them to you because you need them.  Sometimes His gifts are like those things you hoped and dreamed someone would finally get you, like a new laptop.  Someone obviously cares about you a lot and thinks you’re worth those awesome gifts.

It’s not like you’ve done anything to "deserve" those gifts, really.  Someone simply loves you.  Regardless of what you get, you show your appreciation by using the gifts that are given to you.

I joined FOCUS as a student missionary not too long after the 2011 Conference.  I struggled with it a lot, though, and felt like it wasn’t worth the struggles I faced.  I actually quit being a student missionary a few months into the next semester.  The Holy Spirit had a lot of work to do in my heart, still, before I was ready to accept that mission.

But a year later, I realized that evangelization is something we are ALL called to do, and that it IS worth the struggles we face.  We’re reaching out for souls and inviting them to know God.  In full knowledge that I will face similar struggles again, I rejoined FOCUS as a student missionary.  This is how I am called to use the gifts given to me.

 I hope to make a gift of my life to God by putting aside my own fears and failures for the sake of the souls of others.  And I hope to be an instrument through which He can bring others into a deeper relationship with Him.

  

Being a Princess

I realized a couple days ago that I want to be a princess still. Kinda like when I was a little girl.  I want to be a princess as much as I want to be a saint.  But before you roll your eyes, hear me out.

I don’t want to be the girl that everyone thinks is just so beautiful.  I don’t want to have the glamorous gowns and sparkling jewelry.  I don’t want to be waited on, hand and foot.  But I do want the prince, and the epic, heroic moment.

I have always pictured this epic moment as one of those scenes where the prince is valiantly fighting for his princess, because he knows he has someone worth fighting for.  But in a sudden turn of events, the enemy has the upper hand.  Things don’t look so good for the prince.  Now the princess gets her heroic moment where she runs in to save him, and she turns everything around.  Because of her courageous action, the prince is able to get up and finish the fight.  They’ll have won the battle together, because they did it for the good of the other.

A friend of mine recently told me I remind her of Belle, from Beauty and the Beast.  I thought it was an awesome compliment, to be compared to a Disney princess.  So I compared my story to hers too.

Belle is an only child to a single father.  He ends up being a prisoner in the Beast’s castle, but with a self-sacrificing act to save her father, Belle takes his place instead.  She doesn’t know it, but the Beast has to get her to fall in love with him, or he will keep the appearance of a beast forever.  Slowly, as he pursues her, Belle and the Beast fall in love.

But then the Beast also makes a self-sacrificing act in order to set her free.  His sacrifice allows her to really live, not live as a prisoner.  She goes on her way.  She can either choose to come back to him, or carry on as though he meant nothing to her.  But then, as he’s under attack, it becomes a matter of life or death.  She remembers their love for each other, and comes running back to him when the battle is raging on.

And so Belle just stands there, watching him get attacked, and she won’t run in there and help defend him.  She doesn’t even tell her family how important he is to her—she’s just too embarrassed.  She won’t stand behind her prince.  She’d rather pretend this isn’t happening.  She lets everyone else fight to save him, but she, herself, does nothing.

Just kidding.

She obviously doesn’t just stand by and do nothing.  But what a disappointing ending that would have been!  People would think she was a terrible princess.  Would she really be a princess at all?  But I realized that this is how my “princess story” tends to look.

I’m just the girl who stands by and watches as the Prince is under attack, too afraid to say anything.  Everything He stands for is being persecuted, but I so easily feel embarrassed of Him.  I’m not a princess.  I’m not that courageous.

But I want to be.  Because I know He’s worth it.  He’s worth those moments where I charge in there to defend Him and say that I’m with Him until the end.  He’s worth those moments where I’m not afraid to say that I am Catholic, and say that I love God.  I want to be able to share my faith with all my friends and family, rather than feel embarrassed by it.  I want to be like Belle, who runs into the chaos to be beside her prince, in full knowledge of the battle that rages on around them.  I have always wanted that “epic, heroic moment” like I’ve pictured in my mind—but this IS that moment, but I haven’t been playing my part.

That’s why I say I still want to be a princess.  I don’t desire to fit the glamorous stereotype little girls think of.  To me, the word “princess” has a completely different definition.  She is the daughter of the King.  She is courageous.  She is not ashamed.  She stands for what is right, and stands behind her Prince through the battle.

I want to be THAT kind of princess.

That’s why I’m finally starting this blog.  I’ve thrown the idea around a lot lately, but always thought I would die of embarrassment if this kind of stuff were to get out, especially to my family.  So here’s an attempt at being courageous.  If I am supposed to be the daughter of the King, isn’t it about time I started acting like it?

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment
that something else is more important than fear." - The Princess Diaries