A Change of Heart

My story starts in my freshman year of college, when religion didn’t mean a whole lot to me.  I started going to the Newman Center only to make friends.  Then I started going to daily Mass on a regular basis because this cute guy winked at me during the sign of peace one time.  Pretty soon, I was involved in a FOCUS Bible study.  Not long after that, my Bible study leader convinced me to go to the FOCUS Conference of 2011 in St. Paul.

January came, and we arrived at Conference in a whirlwind of excitement.  The talks were amazing, and I loved sharing the whole experience with my friends, plus meeting new people.  It was great—until I realized a terrible pain in my chest that made it hurt to breathe.  I thought something was suddenly wrong with my heart.  I was terrified.  I thought I was going to die.  I called my mom in tears, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  I’d lie down for a while and feel better, but sitting up again was just painful.

I didn’t want to miss out on the whole Conference experience, though.  I went to the reconciliation service.  While in line, I started crying again.  I was thinking through this whole situation in my head.  It was so cliché at first.

“God… I don’t want to die.  I’m too YOUNG to die.  I have so much I could do with my life!”

“Like what?”  The reply was simple but gentle.  He said nothing else.

I didn’t have an answer.  But His question opened my heart to really discern His will in my life and live it in a way that served Him.  I later found out that my heart was fine—better than fine, now that it was truly open to God.  Physically, it went back to normal shortly after Conference, which left me feeling like I ridiculously over-reacted.

What I felt that weekend, though, was exactly what I needed to feel.  I had always taken my life for granted, and I had my own plans of how I was going to live it.  Sometimes, it’s only when we are threatened with losing something that we realize its true significance to us.  Only when I thought I was going to lose my life did I realize what a gift it really is, and that many people aren’t allowed this same gift today.  But the gifts we are given are things we can, in turn, give back to God to glorify Him.

In realizing my life was a gift, I decided that I wanted to live for God.  I wanted to discern God’s will in my life in a way I hadn’t really been open to before.  I left Conference with a fire burning in my heart for Him.

When I think about gifts, the idea of “re-gifting” Christmas presents runs through my head. But our gifts from Him are not like that ugly sweater that you passed along to your second cousin’s brother-in-law, or that necktie covered with polka dots (and a lovely coffee stain) that you will obviously never wear.

God’s gifts to us are sometimes like the gift of socks for Christmas.  You might not think you want them, but someone gave them to you because you need them.  Sometimes His gifts are like those things you hoped and dreamed someone would finally get you, like a new laptop.  Someone obviously cares about you a lot and thinks you’re worth those awesome gifts.

It’s not like you’ve done anything to "deserve" those gifts, really.  Someone simply loves you.  Regardless of what you get, you show your appreciation by using the gifts that are given to you.

I joined FOCUS as a student missionary not too long after the 2011 Conference.  I struggled with it a lot, though, and felt like it wasn’t worth the struggles I faced.  I actually quit being a student missionary a few months into the next semester.  The Holy Spirit had a lot of work to do in my heart, still, before I was ready to accept that mission.

But a year later, I realized that evangelization is something we are ALL called to do, and that it IS worth the struggles we face.  We’re reaching out for souls and inviting them to know God.  In full knowledge that I will face similar struggles again, I rejoined FOCUS as a student missionary.  This is how I am called to use the gifts given to me.

 I hope to make a gift of my life to God by putting aside my own fears and failures for the sake of the souls of others.  And I hope to be an instrument through which He can bring others into a deeper relationship with Him.